my soul wont recognize me after tonight
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
