Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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