Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
