im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
