you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
