I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
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