How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
