What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
