Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
