This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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