His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
