The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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