You smell like a Billy Joel song
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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