I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
