I'm going to jail i love you
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
