Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
