Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
