he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
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I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
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He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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