I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
