Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Couch. On fire.
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