I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
