I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
