when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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