Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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