Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
