Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
