It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
