all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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