Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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