Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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