i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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