I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
