I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
