i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
