my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
