If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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