Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
