***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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