you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we made out on top of his cat.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
