You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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