sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
