Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
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No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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