Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
