I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
