I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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