i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
