Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
