not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.