Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.