True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left