Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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