is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
