A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
