I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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