if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You're breaking my sexual little heart
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
