Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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