nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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