i love accidental penises.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
