When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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