3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
