You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
