Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
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