im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
