I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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