Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
