so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
