why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
