Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
