Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
