Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
